I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
