I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
