Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
