Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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