my phone needs a breathalizer
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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