He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
