he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
