he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
