dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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