her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
