She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
