If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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