I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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