your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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