How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
