I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
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I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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