You're so nebulous sometimes
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
