One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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