So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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