Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
