he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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