I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
