Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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