Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
