i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Can i not drive my cunt home
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
