im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
