It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
