fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
