You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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