What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
