Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
