He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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