my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
