I want to walk on stilts...naked
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
