Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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