I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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