grandma shit on top of the toilet
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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