Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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