I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
