Yo dont text me then not text me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
