im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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