So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
