you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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