Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
