I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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