my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
