I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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