highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
