I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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