i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
