I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
