I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
