Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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