I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
