Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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