I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
