so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
